The Unfortunate Halloween Costume Debacle
by Lady Shadow Walker
Summary: Being an Avenger did not include paid holidays or holidays at all, really, so the Avengers found themselves at an impasse on Halloween when they didn't have to run off to save the world. Thankfully, Clint Barton has an idea. Unfortunately, it doesn't go quite the way he planned.


**A/N: A fun little Halloween fic I wrote in honor of my favorite superheroes. This is my first time writing in quite a while so feel free to give me constructive criticism. I'll also be posting this story to AO3 under the name Agent_Burgundy.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **The Unfortunate Halloween Costume Debacle**

The Avengers hadn't really been able to celebrate any holidays since they'd been formed. Between the endless amounts of super villains who'd popped up out of seemingly nowhere and the occasional press event, it was extremely rare for almost everyone to be at the Tower at the same time.

That was why, the morning of Halloween, it was an odd sight for the communal kitchen to actually be full at lunch time. Well, mostly full. Tony Stark seemed to be missing, and Sam actually had family, so he was with them for the day. The other Avengers started eating, knowing by then that it was possible Tony was several days into a science bender and wouldn't show up because Science!

They might have been slightly surprised by his presence when he breezed into lunch ten minutes late, but they certainly weren't surprised that he came ranting.

"This is a travesty – JARVIS, are you seeing this? Unbelievable. It's like they don't even try. Can I be sued for this? Make a note to ask Pep, would you?" Tony rambled, grabbing a plate and a few slices of pizza.

He ended up plopping down between Bruce and Clint. "Did you two know about this? It's got to be sacrilegious or something right? Defiling the superheroes? Hey, does that mean they'd be defiling a national treasure with the Cap? Whatever, who cares. Mine's actually painful to look at. I know they have pictures so why can't they get the proportions right? It's not like it doesn't get flashed all over the internet anyway."

Steve resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose, glancing at Bucky to see how he was handling Stark's brand of insanity. The recently recovered assassin continued to eat his entire box of pizza, glowering eyes flickering over the other residents before coming to a rest on Stark's hand-waving rant.

Clint and Bruce elected to ignore the fast ramble while Natasha raised one red eyebrow. Thor seemed confused but continued to shove copious amounts of pizza into his mouth.

" . . . anyway," Tony continued, five more minuted into the rant, "I'm pretty positive it can be considered a safety hazard. And why would people even buy them is the real question here. I could make something better in five minutes. They could find something better in five minutes. JARVIS, why do people do these things?"

" _I do not know, sir,_ " came the long-suffering reply.

Tony didn't even acknowledge the answer, continuing on, "It doesn't even make that noise either. And how come Legolas's is the best, anyway? I should really have the best because there's more footage of mine that anyone else's. You'd think after everything I've done for them they'd appreciate me a little more, but no."

Clint perked up at the idea that his . . . _something_ was better than Tony's.

Steve gave into the urge to pinch his nose, and he said, "Tony, what are you talking about?"

Tony gave him a startled look. "Have you not been listening? The costumes, Oh Captain my Captain, the _costumes_."

"Costumes?" Thor repeated around his mouth full of pizza. "What costumes do you speak of?"

"Halloween's today, so everyone's been getting their costumes. Anyway, it turns out that I forgot to trademark our names – which JARVIS, make a note to do that, would you? – so a bunch of really low quality Avengers costumes have been getting sold. Like, bottom of the barrel, cringe-worthy costumes, and people have apparently actually been buying them."

"What is this Halloween that you speak of, Friend Stark?" Thor asked, puzzled.

Simultaneously, the entire table turned to stare incredulously at Thor. Clint frowned. "Did someone not give him an Earth 101 guide?"

"Jane Foster introduced him to our culture," Natasha answered.

"Astrophysicist, yay tall, has an assistant to remind her to eat?" Tony asked. "When would she get around to telling him about a holiday she probably doesn't celebrate?"

"The Lady Darcy was most informative about the Fourth Day of July," Thor said. "She said it was the Captain's sacred holiday and was to be revered and celebrated across the country."

Steve sighed. "The Fourth of July is celebrating America, not me."

"Anyway," Tony said, drawing the word out. "Halloween's a holiday where you dress up like something your not and watch scary movies and go to haunted houses. On Halloween, kids go door to door asking for candy. It's called trick or treating."

Thor looked concerned, face seemingly pale. "This sounds much like a celebration my brother often partook in. Tell me, do you also make sacrificial offerings to Yggdrasil to achieve stronger magic rituals?"

Bucky's stoic expression was overtaken by a single raised eyebrow, an expression oddly reminiscent of Natasha. "We don't do blood rituals on Earth."

Thor frowned. "My brother said the rituals rarely required blood, and they are apparently truly quite entertaining. He claims there is much magic in coupling –"

Thor was cut off by retching sounds coming from Tony and Clint.

Bruce sighed and decide to take control of the situation before it got any worse. "Thor, the only things people do is eat a bunch of candy and pretend to be someone else for the night. People like the adrenaline of being scared, so they go to haunted houses set up by other people, and watch movies that are meant to be scary."

Thor slowly nodded, mulling this information over. "And it is only for children?"

"Yes," Steve said.

"No," Tony said. "Absolutely not. Halloween's like Disney: it's for everyone."

Clint taped his fingers against his empty plate. "Totally for everyone. Anyway, when you say the costumes are bad, how bad is bad?"

Tony snapped his fingers. "That's what I meant to show you all. JARVIS, pull up the worst ones I found earlier."

" _Of course, sir_ ," the AI said.

Footage popped up against one of the walls, showing several of each Avengers' costumes.

Simultaneously, all the Avengers' noses wrinkled. Well, except for Clint. His eyes lit up.

"Okay, wait, I have an idea," the archer said, looking at the horrible costume. "What if we dress up as ourselves for Halloween?"

"Does that not defeat the purpose?" Bruce asked.

"No, no, get this: we get the worst costumes possible, then we wear them to a costume party."

"Someone would recognize us," Steve immediately said.

"Like anyone would believe the Avengers would dress up as crappy versions of themselves for Halloween," Clint said, waving it away.

Natasha tilted her head. "I refuse to wear any of those costumes," she said. "I will find my own."

"But it's got to still look bad," Tony interjected.

"This is a most joyous holiday, indeed," Thor declared, looking at the completely inaccurate version of his costume. "I believe I am beginning to understand."

"I guess I'm in," Bruce reluctantly sighed.

"This is a terrible idea," Steve said, but was ignored.

"Isn't there a big costume contest going on a few blocks over? We should go to that tonight," Tony said.

"Where are we going to get the costumes?" Steve reasonably interjected. "It almost one already. Everywhere is probably sold out."

Tony rolled his eyes. "JARVIS, pull up the page on everyone's phones and speed order them, would you?"

" _Of course, sir,"_ JARVIS said, phones dinging.

While all of the Avengers started looking for costumes, even an exasperated Steve, Bucky suddenly spoke up. "I want to go."

Everyone blinked at him, but he stared back, entirely serious.

Tony shrugged. "Alright, Robocop, I think I saw a few Winter Soldier costumes while I was looking. We could always just tin-foil your arm."

Bucky was already looking through costumes on his phone.

. . .

Elsewhere, Pepper Potts felt the strangest feeling of dread. She brushed it off, having five more meetings, one press conference, dozens of stacks of paperwork, and an executive dinner before she could go home for the night.

. . .

When the Avengers arrived at the costume party, it was already in full swing. They arrived in groups of two to make it seem slightly less conspicuous. Tony and Steve, the only Avengers who had good footage of their faces out, were wearing flimsy costume helmets to cover their identities. There was a table to sign up for the competition, but it was by unanimous decision that only Clint signed up.

"Dude," another Captain America said to Steve. "Your costume rocks."

The other Avengers held back chortles as Steve looked incredulously down at the plastic monstrosity he was wearing that didn't even fit correctly because of his unnatural Dorito shaped body.

"You, too," Steve said reluctantly.

The other guy nodded and raised his hand for a fist bump. Steve bumped his fist, and the guy left.

Bucky, for all that he'd asked to come, continued to glower from near Steve, black war paint back around his eyes. Several people caught his eye and gave him a thumbs up, seeming impressed with his acting.

Clint nudged Natasha and gestured to the many Black Widow's in attendance. "Aw, look how popular you are."

Natasha's eyes zeroed in on a costume that barely covered anything before moving on to the stretchy plastic jumpsuits and better made replicas. Something not unlike a smile crossed her face for a split second.

Tony and Thor were surrounded by a couple of dozen other party-goers as they did their best replica of what appeared to be some kind of a duet mixed in with interpretive dance moves about jack-o-lanterns and something called a bilgesnipe.

Bruce ended up sitting at a table full of other hulks, listening to them drunkenly debate why the Hulk was the best Avenger.

"Nah, but look," one guy said, "The guy has a real super power. How does he not get caught. Like, I think I'd notice him walking down the street."

"So he can turn invish – inveesh – dang it – he can turn _not there_ like – like poosh?" one woman asked, spilling some of her drink on her purple pants.

"Like poosh," a guy painted in green sagely nodded.

"I think," some girl said, walking by the table, "that the Fantastic Four are better than the Avengers."

The dozen people sitting at the table gasped, staring at the woman's retreating figure. One of the girls said, "She did not just."

"She did," answered one of the guys.

The entire group of Hulk impersonators fumed in silence for a moment before going back to their slurred discussion, Bruce sitting dumbfounded.

. . .

"Okay, so this wasn't a terrible idea," Steve admitted some hours later.

Bucky was distracted as he gaped at two men dressed as himself from the Howling Commando days and Steve who were being a bit too . . . friendly with each other. When he looked away, his eyes landed on what appeared to be a Black Widow giving an Iron Man a lap dance. He shuddered.

"It's a lot more fun and . . . enlightening than I imagined," Bruce agreed, nursing a glass of water.

"I'll admit, when Clint suggested this, I thought it was going to end horribly, but everything's working out well," Steve continued.

Tony suddenly rushed into the conversation, "No, no, no, no, Cap. Please tell me you didn't just jinx us. See, this is why we can't have nice things!"

Steve sighed, the tight plastic costume stretching uncomfortably. "I did not jinx –"

Natasha and Clint suddenly rushed up methodically. Natasha was strapping real Widow's Bites to her wrists from somewhere. "We've got a situation on the Brooklyn Bridge. We don't have time to go back to the Tower. We have back-up weapons in the car, but we're going to have to fight in these costumes. There's a jet on the way. ETA two minutes."

When Tony turned to Steve expectantly, he sighed and admitted, "Okay, so maybe I jinxed us."

Tony was already pulling out his phone, muttering to Jarvis. Seconds later, he was speaking to them, "I got the suit incoming. The jet's got bullet proof vests and some basic weapons but that's about it."

"What exactly are we dealing with here?" Steve asked, back into commander mode.

"Apparently," Clint said, looking deadly serious, "One of the super villains decided that Halloween was a good occasion for what appears to be radioactively glowing zombies."

"Ah," Bruce said, "Should I sit this one out?"

Steve was already shaking his head. "We're gonna need all hands on deck. Do we know what kind of zombies?"

"Well, they don't appear to be able to infect anyone," Natasha answered.

"Bullet to the brain'll still kill them?" Bucky inquired.

"Yep," Clint answered, "Or at least that's what a SHIELD agent who was on the bridge when the shit show started reported."

"Language," half the Avengers chimed at the same time. Tony continued with, "Jet's landing outside."

The Avengers nodded and started to move towards the door. Half way there, Tony had to bump Thor to get his attention from where he was still sitting at a table, braiding another Thor's hair.

The jet was lowering onto the street outside just as they quickly exited the building. People were pointing a gaping and recording everything with their phones.

The Avengers marched onto the quinjet with as much dignity as they could manage, the cheap plastic of their costumes squeaking as they walked up the ramp.

When the quinjet was rising back into the air, the Avengers set about uniforming themselves with what they had available. A video call pulled up on one of the walls, showing Phil Coulson. Half the team was still angry about the massive delay in being informed of his living.

Coulson took one look at them and very carefully kept a bland look on his face. For a second, his jaw twitched. He spoke, "So far we haven't had any reports of casualties, but that's sure to change if you can't put a stop to this as quickly as possible. We haven't discovered the intent behind the attack yet, but the creatures appear to be acting with hostile intent."

Steve paused from where he was trying to decide what types of weapons to bring since he didn't have his shield, only a flimsy plastic replica. "How are they acting? Are they fast or slow?"

"Mindless," Coulson answered. "Slow but they appear to have some form of super strength. So far people have been able to get away from them."

"Is this a demented prank, do you think?" Clint asked.

"They could be lulling us into a false sense of security. For all we know they could be literal ticking time bombs, especially with the way they're glowing," Coulson grimly answered.

Steve nodded sharply.

. . .

"You just had to say something," Tony grumbled as he destroyed another glowing zombie. "Oh, what could possibly go wrong?" he said in a terrible parody of Steve's voice. "Hasn't anyone told you about Murphy's law?"

"Chatter," Steve reprimanded, ferrying civilians out of the danger zone while thunder rumbled and electricity ran through half the zombies.

"These foes appear impervious to my lightning," Thor grumbled. "They shall face the wrath of Mjolnir."

"How many are left?" Natasha asked, having just taken out four at once.

"As least fifty," Clint answered from his perch on the bridge.

"Make that a hundred plus," Bucky cut in. "More are crawling out of the damn river."

"Hulk smash!" the Hulk declared, ripping another zombie apart.

"Any sign of whatever villain of the week is in charge of this?" Tony asked, sweeping down towards the river, taking half a dozen zombies out.

"Negative," Bucky said.

"Ditto," Clint said.

The fight went on, and each time they were finally wrapping it up, more zombies came out of the river. Interestingly, it was extremely easy to get the civilians out of the way, and there was still no sign of any villains.

They must have been on their fourth wave of zombies when Sam's voice sounded through their comms. "Man, the one time I decide to take a break, all the interesting things happen. Y'all know your plastic clad asses are all over the news, right?"

"Language," Tony chimed.

Steve elected to ignore Tony, instead saying, "I think we have this covered, you didn't have to come out, Falcon."

"What? And miss all of this? Nah, I'm good," Sam said, flying down to take out a glowing zombie. "We know anything about these things yet?"

"Nothing except there's a fuck ton of them," Bucky said.

"Language," Tony once again contributed.

"Oh, for the love of –" Steve said. "Can we please get to the source of these zombies? Widow, have you found anything?"

"Negative," she reported from under the bridge. "They don't actually appear to have a starting point. I believe that they are appearing under the water immediately before surfacing. Possibly through a portal."

"A portal?" Thor repeated. "What Midgard technology is capable of such things?"

Tony answered, "Not many. Dr. Strange can make portals, but that's about all I can think of, and he's certainly not a villain. You think we may be dealing with an alien?"

"I loath to think it," Thor answered, "But I find myself wondering if this is perhaps Loki's work."

"Glowing green zombies," Clint commented. "Seems like his MO."

"Reindeer tricks likes to brag, though," Tony said. "So where is he?"

"Um, guys?" Sam said. "I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but the zombies that we've killed are starting to get back up and appear to be headed for the streets."

"Dammit!" Steve said, sprinting in that direction move the curious bystanders farther away. Sam and Natasha went in different directions, also herding civilians away.

"Language," ever single other Avenger said, amused, while Steve steadfastly ignored them. Maybe if he continued long enough, they'd eventually drop the joke.

What followed was thirty exhausting minutes as they re-killed and took the corpses back to the bridge while news station helicopters recorded the entire thing. It was an additional ten minutes later that the perpetrator made his appearance.

Spoiler alert: it was Loki.

The God of Mischief appeared with a huff, and all the zombies froze where they were, allowing the Avengers to turn their complete attention to the god and his ostentatious wardrobe.

Loki's mouth was in a thin line of annoyance, and he said, "Must you infernal heroes _rain on my parade_ as you midgardians so love to say?"

"Loki, this has gone on long enough," Steve declared. "Stop trying to hurt these people with your odd creations."

"Hurt?" Loki sputtered. "I haven't tried to harm any of you foul midgardians. If I had, someone would have been injured by now."

"Dude's got a point," Sam said. "We've been out here what? Hour and a half now, and there's been no injuries."

"Exactly," Loki said. "Listen to your sidekick, Captain."

"Hey!" Sam said. "How come I gotta be the sidekick?"

"Pretty positive I was the sidekick before you, buddy," Bucky commented.

Loki sighed, "Regardless, the intention was never to harm anyone."

"Then what was it, brother?" Thor inquired suspiciously. "You are not one to aimlessly play pranks anymore."

Loki tilted his head for a moment before a mischievous grin crossed his face. "Perhaps I'll just show you."

With that, Loki snapped his fingers and disappeared. The zombies started pulsing green light.

"They're gonna blow!" Clint yelled.

The Avengers all took the quickest evacuation route: jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge into the water below.

Seconds after they hit the water, explosions came from above. Instead of structural damage to the bridge like they'd expected, candy started raining down on them.

Tony said, "You have _got_ to be kidding me. That wacko made zombies that explode candy."

Clint gave a long sigh from where he was dragging himself out of the river. "Please tell me the candy's at least poisoned so we didn't waste our night."

Thor picked up a piece of candy, examining it. He was miraculously dry from his flight back to the bridge. "There does not appear to be anything wrong with it."

"Can I get some confirmation on that?" Steve asked, plastic suit squelching and pinching as he walked back onto the bridge.

Natasha sniffed at one of the candies and said, "It doesn't smell like it's been tampered with."

The Hulk clambered across the bridge, taking a big scoop from a pile of candies and threw the handful into his mouth, plastic wrapping and all. He munched on them happily. "Hulk like puny god's candy."

The Avengers collectively paused. "Well, that could be a good sign," Steve said.

Just then, Coulson came over the comms. "SHIELD has continued the evacuation of the area, and we're going to collect the candy for further tests. You are all dismissed."

"Ugh," Tony said. "Makes me feel like I'm in high school again. Please never talk like that again, Agent Zombie."

Coulson didn't deign that with a response, and the Avengers made their way back to the quinjet, plastic costumes squelching all the way. The Avengers were very aware of the news helicopters circling the area.

. . .

When the Avengers trudged up to the common room of Avengers Tower, Pepper Potts was waiting on them. She had left her executive dinner and headed straight there, so she was still in a power suit and low heels when they walked in, plastic suits still squelching from water.

She merely turned on the TV where the news was replaying footage of them, zooming in on their costumes while reporters mused over the incident.

"It was an . . . interesting sight," one reporter said.

Another got a mischievous grin on her face. "Personally, I think the plastic may have done more for them than the actual costumes."

One of the men tipped his head to the side. "I can kind of see that. Their actual costumes are tailored, though. Hard to beat that."

Just them, footage appeared behind the group of reporters, and one of the females said, "I think the plastic beat it. We're certainly seeing more skin than we normally get."

The footage paused on several instances where you could see places in the costumes that had ripped from the fight.

The Avengers groaned in despair.

They would _never_ live this down.

(If Clint got a call the next day saying that he'd come in third place in the costume contest if he wanted to collect his award, well . . . at least no one was around to hear his furious, disbelieving squawk. He had totally deserved first place.)


End file.
